


Missteps

by DragonWyrd316



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Hurt, Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-27 03:07:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9949583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonWyrd316/pseuds/DragonWyrd316
Summary: Losing someone you love is never easy. Sometimes when you're reunited, things don't go as well as you'd hoped.





	1. Missteps Take 1

He couldn’t believe his ears. He’d heard rumors but… that was her voice! He never let himself truly believe that she could be back amongst the living until he heard that specific husky timbre which seemed to creep into her vocal cords after she’d tired herself out from a long battle. Or after a night spent together.

Kaidan pinched himself - the resulting pain proved he was awake, that this wasn’t some sort of dream. Stepping out of the shadows, away from the pre-fab buildings, he approached the mechanic, along with Shepard and crew.

“Commander Shepard - captain of the _Normandy_ , first human Spectre, and savior of the Citadel. You’re in the presence of a legend, Delan, and a ghost,” he said to the mechanic beside him.

_“I love you. I’ve missed you so much these last two years. Your hair is so much longer than it used to be, almost down to your waist. Did I ever tell you that it reminds me of dark chocolate and cherries, with how rich a brown it is and the little streaks of red that explode whenever the sun hits it just right? Your eyes are like drowning in pools of honey, and when they’d sparkle every time I made you laugh, it made me feel as if I’d been given the world’s greatest treasure.”_

“Kaidan!” Shepard grinned, laughing, and jumped into his arms, hugging him tight. He pulled her close and he realized she still smelled the same - like warm, toasted, sugared almonds. His eyes closed and he buried his nose in her hair, running his fingers through it. “God, it’s so good to see you again,” she murmured in his ear. “How are you, really?”

_”You still fit so perfectly against me. It’s almost as if you never died. You sound the same, smell the same, smile the same. The glimmer in your eyes still makes me think of chipped diamonds set in umber. Don’t leave me again… don’t leave me again… dontleavemeagain. I love you too much to let you go this time.”_

“That’s it? That’s all you have to say? It’s been two years and all I get is a ‘hello and how’ve you been’? Why didn’t you contact me and let me know you were alive? Do you have _any_ idea what I’ve been through the last two years?” Kaidan inwardly winced as the words he wanted to say were drowned out by the hurt he’d been wallowing in during her absence.

Oh god - the way her eyes were shimmering with tears, he expected her topaz eyes to melt and leave tracks of gold down her cheeks. Damnit, that wasn’t what he meant to say. Hurting her was the last thing he meant to do, even if he was having a hard time coming to grips with the fact she was standing in front of him.

“Hell, do you even remember the night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me. I loved you, Shepard. Did you even feel anything for me in return or was I just a convenient way to scratch your itches while we went after Saren?” Kaidan shut his eyes tight, not wanting to see how his words affected her, and rubbed his fingers over his temples. “I just can’t… how can you work for Cerberus after everything we saw? You’ve betrayed the Alliance. You’ve betrayed me… us… everything we believed in.”

Stars exploded behind Kaidan’s eyes as his head rocked back from the force of her punch. While the ache was worse now, he opened his eyes to see Shepard cocking her fist again while tears flowed freely down her cheeks.

“You bastard! You should know me well enough that I wouldn’t be working with this organization unless there was a damned good reason and that reason just made off with the majority of these colonists. And as far as how I feel about you?  I fought til my last breath hoping against hope that you’d make it through this alive. The thought of losing you…” she choked out, then shook her head as if tamping down the emotion, “Well I guess I shouldn’t have bothered. This is all about how you feel and how I’ve supposedly wronged you, never mind the fact that I missed you so much it hurt but Anderson wouldn’t let me have your contact information.”

He kept making things worse. Why wouldn’t the words he wanted to say come out instead of these hateful accusations? His father would kick his ass if he saw the way his son was treating this woman.

“Even with all that,” her voice softened, hoarse from holding back her emotions, “I’d love to have you back on the _Normandy._ I could really use someone with your expertise on the ship.”

“No,” he said, before he could even think about it. “I know where my allegiances lie. I’m Alliance first. I’ll never work for Cerberus.”

“Joker, send the shuttle. I’m sick of this place,” Shepard uttered as he watched her turn and walk away from him. Kaidan swore the skies were mocking him, choosing that moment to open up, the resulting downpour soaking him within moments and almost hiding her from his view.

* * *

Kaidan stared at his message center. It had been days since he sent out the apology letter, asking for forgiveness and another chance, and he wondered if it had been too little, too late. He hadn’t let himself think about it at the time, but Garrus had been by her side when he last saw her and the turian wouldn’t have been there if he didn’t believe in what Shepard was doing. Keeping in contact with Anderson, he’d since learned that Tali’zorah and Dr. Chakwas were also on board, besides Joker, and all signs pointed toward her not being a Cerberus puppet as others had feared. Damn he’d messed up.

Opening up his inbox, his heart stuttered as he saw a reply from her:

_Kaidan,_

_I appreciate the gesture and the apology, but I can’t let myself go down that path. Not now. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t believe in me and right now I need that more than anything. Once my crew gets back from their last days of allotted shore leave, we’re off to traverse the Omega 4 Relay to destroy the Collectors once and for all. It’s called a suicide mission for a reason - our chances of returning are slim to none._

_Take care of yourself, LC._

_~Shepard_

Tears leaked from the corners of his eyes as he squeezed them shut. His throat burned and felt as if it were closing up. He knew she was good at making the impossible possible, but no one had ever returned from the Omega 4. He didn’t know which hurt worse - knowing that she might never return, or that he’d damaged their relationship enough to the point where he was no longer what she needed. He understood perfectly - nothing in his actions had shown anything other than complete and utter distrust and disbelief.

“God, not sure if you’re listening or not, but keep her safe. We need her for what’s to come. I… I need her.”


	2. Missteps Take 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan keeps bumbling around. Can things ever be fixed?

God, she hurt. Sitting on the edge of her bed, Shepard stared at the picture that had sat next to her, watching over her every time she worked at her desk. Kaidan was so stoic, looking out over some distant horizon. She had no idea where it had been taken, or when. At the time, it was one of the few things she had mentally thanked the Illusive Man for thinking to include, but now… now it only served as a reminder of the years that had passed and the changes that occurred over time.

Placing the frame face down inside one of the drawers of the desk next to her bed, Shepard flopped down onto her back and stared through the port hole into the starry expanse above. When she had seen him, her first thought was that the little bump was still in his hair. But then she had jumped into his arms, and for the few short moments he held her, it was as if nothing had changed. He’d made her feel wanted… for the first time since coming back, she’d felt human. There was something so solid about him that, even though she didn’t need anyone to stand up for her or keep her safe, Kaidan made her want to curl up against him and let him be that barrier between her and the rest of the galaxy. Maybe then she might get a full night’s rest for once, knowing she had someone she trusted implicitly at her back.

But, life was cruel like that. It showed you your greatest wants and needs then yanked them away while laughing in your face. She had to own some of what had happened on Horizon as well. True, he blasted her, and to both Garrus and Miranda, it might have seemed as if she hadn’t had a chance to defend herself, but she could have butted in. Some of what he’d said, though, she’d already been accusing herself of - working with Cerberus, knowing of their crimes, without even trying to find a way to slip out from under them and rejoin the Alliance. She’d had people around her telling her that the Alliance had abandoned her, that they weren’t doing anything against the Collector threat, and she had let herself believe it. What she should have done was ditched her squad during one of the trips to the Citadel and spoken with Anderson about it. She was the first human Spectre and savior of the Citadel - she’d kicked Saren’s ass - so why had she let Cerberus bulldoze her into believing everything they said?

Kaidan had been right, in a way, and she had to agree with him that she had betrayed her own beliefs. That’s why she hadn’t interrupted him and let him say his piece, when otherwise she would have dragged him off somewhere, kissed him senseless, and let him know in no uncertain terms how she felt about him. She hadn’t fought hard enough for the two of them, and now she might not live long enough for another shot.

She sighed. Now was not the time to dwell on the past. She had to be strong for those on board her ship. In a few hours they were going through the Omega 4 and who knew what they would find on the other side.

“Look at this… sneaking into the Commander’s quarters. Heavy risk, but the _prize_ …”

Shepard chuckled softly to herself. This was exactly what she needed. This little distraction would help her relax and get her mind off the heavy shit for a while - something fun before heading into the unknown and kicking Collector ass.

“C’mere Jacob…”

* * *

They wouldn’t let him see her. He didn’t know if it was an order from the brass that she wasn’t to receive visitors, or if she had specifically requested that he not be allowed to visit. Kaidan knew the tribunal couldn’t be easy on her, nor being confined to one room. He’d hate to be the one to tell her that the Normandy was permanently being reassigned to one of the admirals - then again he considered that to be a pure bitch move on the part of the Alliance.

He shouldn’t let himself worry about any of this. As it was, they seemed to have a bigger threat on the horizon. If his instincts were correct, what was coming was exactly what Shepard had warned them all about three years ago. Stepping out of the committee chambers, he came up short when Anderson stopped him to chat, though his gaze lingered over the admiral’s shoulder to the woman talking and smiling up at the overly muscled young lieutenant. Jealousy washed over him as he watched them interact - Vega was only a few years younger than he had been when he’d first met Shepard, more battle hardened, and had the good luck to spend much more time in her company over the past six months than he’d had in the last three years. The ease between the two of them had Kaidan wondering what kind of relationship might have developed. Not liking the direction his thoughts were going down, he did the only thing he felt he could do.

“Shepard,” Kaidan called out, pulling her attention from the young LT.

“Kaidan.” Her eyes registered surprise and… did he dare hope… joy at seeing him? His fingers itched to undo the braid her hair was pulled back into.

_“With each passing year you become more beautiful. The tiny laugh lines developing around the corners of your eyes and mouth beg for my lips to smooth them out. Even so, you still look just as youthful and vibrant as you did the day you walked into the cockpit and stood next to Nihlus while Joker set our course through the relay. Come back to me, please.”_

Her eyes widened slightly as she caught wind of the conversation between Anderson and Kaidan.

“Major?”

“You hadn’t heard?” Anderson asked.

“No… guess I’m a bit out of the loop these days,” she smiled, though her voice was filled with sadness.

“Sorry, Shepard,” Kaidan murmured.

“It’s all right. Just… just glad to see you is all,” Shepard replied while she stared up at her former lover.

_“You look so distinguished now, Kaidan. The silver shining at your temples adds an air of experience and dignity to you. I want to run my fingers over your cheeks, let my hands rest on your shoulders, hold you close and see if you’re still as warm as the last time I was in your arms. I’ve always loved you. I never stopped. Ask me again to be yours.”_

“They’re waiting for you,” a page interrupted, breaking up the small group.

* * *

Kaidan was beginning to wonder if he was cursed when it came to making things right with Shepard. Every time he meant to apologize for his behavior, to let her know how he felt, what spilled out was more accusations, especially in regards to her time with Cerberus. He knew she’d had nothing to do with them invading the Mars lab, hell she quit the organization in an impressive way by blowing the Collector base into smithereens, but all he could do was give her shit about them.

_“I’m so sorry. I love you more than what my actions are saying. I trust you, too. I wish I could get the words out but they get lodged in my throat every time I try to speak. There’s been nobody else out there for me ever since you came back. You’re it for me, Shepard.”_

Kaidan stepped out of the control room the three of them were in, leaving Shepard and Liara behind as he hoped to find a Cerberus operative with a transmitter in his helmet. Finding one near the door he called out to the commander, nearly falling on his ass in front of her in shock as he pulled the helmet off the man’s face.

“My god, he looks like a husk.”

“Yeah, not quite, but they’ve definitely done something to him,” Shepard sighed, reaching in to grab the transmitter.

“By they, you mean Cerberus? They did this to their own guy? Is this what they did to you?”

“How can you compare me to them?” Her voice was full of hurt.

“I’m sorry just… don’t try to explain it to me. I don’t think I’d understand. I just want to know, is the person I followed to hell and back, the woman I loved, still in there somewhere?”

“What Cerberus did, it didn’t change me or how I feel about you, but you won’t take my word for it, will you?” Shepard’s lips curved into a semblance of a smile.

“Probably not.”

“Didn’t think so. You were always stubborn,” she laughed, poking him in the shoulder.

“Me?!” Kaidan chuckled in return, relaxing at their teasing banter. Maybe he’d be able to fix the damage he’d already done if she was receptive enough at his botched words to attempt to poke at him like this. Perhaps he hadn’t lost the battle yet.

* * *

He was too still. Drs. Chakwas and Michel had said he would be all right, but shouldn’t he at least be moving? Outside of his chest rising and falling as he breathed, there was no other twitch nor did he try and shift on the bed to make himself more comfortable. It set her teeth on edge and scared her beyond measure. Pulling up a chair, she sat by Kaidan’s side and took his hand in both of hers, raising it up so she could lean her cheek against his knuckles.

“Hey, Kaidan. I don’t know if you can hear me, but since you can’t tell me to get the hell out, either, I’m gonna take my chances,” she began, tears pricking at the backs of her eyes. “I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes since Cerberus brought me back. We both have. Maybe we needed to make them to test the strength of this tie between us. Who knows? I just know that watching you in action… you’ve grown so much since we last fought together. I remember a man who once hesitated, fearing his own biotic strength, letting his past hinder him. Now…” she choked up, “now you’ve come into your own, giving everything you have into taking down hostiles, even at the possible cost of your own life. Don’t think I didn’t notice you grabbing the AI’s attention when she had focused on me.”

“I’m sorry ma’am, but we’re going to have to ask you to leave. Visiting time is limited until Major Alenko improves,” a doctor said from the doorway.

“Yeah… yeah, okay. If you need anything, Doc, you let me know. Have Dr. Michele contact me on the _Normandy_ ,” Shepard said to the man before turning back to the Major. “Fight, Kaidan. Don’t die. The Alliance could use you. I… I could use you. Get better soon.”

* * *

He wondered if she’d gotten his note. Scuttlebutt around the hospital was that the Normandy had docked a couple of hours ago. Kaidan pretended to pay attention to the browbeating Udina was giving him over joining the Spectres. It was as if the man couldn’t understand his want, his need, to wait until he was feeling better before making such an important decision. His eyes darted to the door as he heard it hiss open, his heart doing a rolling thump in his chest when he saw her walk into the room. Thankfully her presence had Udina leaving and the room falling into a pleasant silence. Wheeling a chair next to the bedside, Shepard sat down and rested her hands on the edge. Kaidan placed his hand over both of hers, though he wanted to reach out and wipe the stress and weariness from her face.

“Damn, you look good, Kaidan. A hell of a lot better than when we rushed you here.” He felt her hands clench beneath his, watched her swallow hard. “We… I… almost lost you. It was hard to watch…”

“Hey… hey… I’m still here,” he murmured, reaching out to brush a thumb over her cheek where a tear had escaped. “Are we okay, Shepard? After all the shit I said on Horizon and on Mars, are we good?”

“Yeah, we’re good. We’ve been through too much together to just let us fall apart. You were there when I needed someone and let me be there for you. Me dying… I know it can’t have been easy for you. It sure as hell wasn’t easy for me to learn I’d lost two years of my life. There are still some days I have a hard time wrapping my head around that.”

Kaidan kept his hand cupped over her cheek, fingers curling around to the back of her neck to brush over her own implant, feeling the spark there. His eyes bored into hers for a moment.

“Then if we’re good, I need to know… was there something between you and that Cerberus operative Jacob Taylor? Is there still something there?”

_“Please tell me no. And oh god your skin is so soft beneath my fingers. If I weren’t in this damned hospital bed…”_

“You asked me, on Horizon, if I had used you as a way to scratch an itch while we were going after Saren, if I remembered the night before Ilos when we finally let our bodies say what we couldn’t, turning that night into a night to remember over all the others we’d already spent together.”

“That’s not what I asked, Shepard, though I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who thought that night was special.”

Sighing, she rested her forehead on the hand that covered her own.

“Yes, I had a fling with Jacob Taylor. I’m sorry… I’m so sorry. But at that moment, he helped me feel connected to another human being right before we went through the Omega 4, and I needed that, especially after what happened on Horizon. If it helps any, I did call out your name at the end…” Shepard raised her head, her cheeks flushing a bright red.

“You didn’t…” Kaidan began. “Oh my god, you did!” he laughed when her blush deepened and she hid her face against his hand again. Unable to stop himself, he reached over and sifted his fingers through her hair, the silence between them comfortable again.

Shepard felt herself relax, the way Kaidan massaged her scalp and the feel of his fingers through her hair doing wonders for her stress level.

_“Your touch has always grounded me, whether it was meant to soothe or tantalize. You have no idea how much I’ve missed this… missed you.”_

“So, think we’ll be able to move past Horizon?” she asked, her voice muffled against his skin.

“I’d like to, Shepard. I think we need to bury it… forgive it. That’s how we’ll get past it. And I’ll admit, I own a lot of what happened down there. Seeing you again, it was as if someone had kicked the air out of me and I said a lot of things, a lot of hurtful things, that I didn’t mean to say. I’m sorry.”

“I’ve already forgiven it. Some of what you accused me of were things I’d already said to myself.”

“So we’re good?”

“Yeah, we’re good,” she raised her head to smile at him.

“Then c’mere…” Kaidan murmured, sliding his hand out of her hair and down to the nape of her neck to lift her closer to him. Removing her hands from beneath the warmth of his, Shepard planted one on the opposite side of the bed for support, while she smoothed the other one lightly over Kaidan’s bruised face. Letting him tug her down to him, their lips met after years of separation, each of them relearning the taste and texture of the other.

_“I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, Shepard, most of them in how I treated you, but it seems as if I’ve finally done something right. You feel so perfect. I’ve missed this. I’ve missed us. Thank you for letting me come home to you.”_

Kaidan pulled her up beside him on the bed and held her close, his eyes closing and a smile brightening his battered features as she rested her cheek above his heart, curling herself around his injured body.


End file.
